I knew four months of dating was too quick to move in with my boyfriend. But my lease was up, and I was freshly, hopelessly, and foolishly in love. The wildest part wasn’t even the lack of time we’d been dating. It was that my boyfriend was married…and he was asking me to move in with him and his wife.
When he initially asked me, I laughed right in his face. “Are you out of your mind?” I said, unable to control my shock. When I saw the look on his face shift from hopeful to embarrassed, I realized he wasn’t kidding.
Quickly, he backpedaled and said he was “just offering.” But the more I thought about it, the more I wondered why I was so quick to reject him (outside of what seemed to me to be an absolutely absurd premise that could be the basis for a trashy reality TV show).
But he’d planted the seed, and the idea began to bloom. Eventually, I asked his wife out to dinner (to be clear, she and I weren’t dating) to get her perspective. “It was my idea,” she told me. “I haven’t seen him this happy in the eight years we’ve been married.”
I had a lot of questions, but they all boiled down to: How would this even work? Where would we sleep? How would we schedule time together? And what about jealousy?
It took several (sometimes hard) conversations to come to solutions that would work for all three of us, and ultimately, I decided to dive in. Even then, we still had on-going check-ins and made adjustments as we fell into a groove. It was a lot of work, but it was worth it. I learned to be less conflict-avoidant, and when an issue came up, I got better at addressing it before it festered and grew.
While my boyfriend and I eventually broke up, I still think about that era with fondness over a decade later. Now, forever curious, I was interested in learning about how other ethically non-monogamous people navigate cohabitation. I reached out to several poly folks living with at least one partner (often referred to as a nesting partner), and their diverse experiences reveal that while open and nonjudgemental communication is crucial, each arrangement is uniquely tailored to fit the dynamics of their relationships. Here’s what they had to say.
How long have you been with your nesting partner(s), and how long have you lived with them?
Rishaw, 36: I’ve been cohabitating with my partner as a common law spouse for 14 years, and we’ve been friends for even longer than that, at least 17 years.
Shane, 42: I have two partners. We’ve just celebrated our three-year anniversary, and I’ve lived with them both for the last year and a half.
*Fern, 36: I have one nested partner who I’ve been living with for 14 years (and together for 16).
Jessica, 39: I’ve been with my husband/the father of my child for 14 years and have lived with him for all 14. I've been with my boyfriend for two years, and he started living with us last year.
Madeline, 32: I’ve been with my partner for seven years and we’ve lived together for five.
How many other partners do you have (who you don’t live with), and how long have you been with them? What’s your relationship with them?
Rishaw: My spouse and I mutually share two additional partners: a long-distance partner and a casual intimate partner. We've been with our casual partner for four years and our long-distance partner for three. We've also had previous friends-with-benefits relationships over the past 12 years.
Shane: I have one other partner I’ve been seeing long-distance for the last six months. We’re madly in love, and it’s very intense. I also have occasional play partners who I don’t date or have a romantic relationship with.
Fern: I have a comet partner (a romantic/sexual partner who you see infrequently, similar to how a comet only appears in the sky occasionally) I’ve been seeing for two years. I also have a local partner I’ve been dating for about a year, and we see each other about once a week.
Jessica: I am casually dating a few other people, have been recently swiping on the apps, and have a long-distance crush who I'd consider a comet partner.
Madeline: I currently have one other partner. We've been together for about a year and a half.
How do you go about scheduling time together vs. with other people? Do you have a shared Google Calendar or let your partner know beforehand?
Rishaw: We plan ahead with shared calendar scheduling, sometimes months in advance.
Shane: We let each other know beforehand with a check-in (“Would you be okay with Sean staying over on Thursday?”). Once everyone agrees, it goes into our shared calendar. I’m also a very practical person. If I want to see a museum exhibit, I know which one of my partners would be interested in that kind of activity, and they’re the one I ask to accompany me. If I’m free on Sunday, I spend time with the partner who’s also free on Sunday.
Fern: No shared calendar, but we plan dates in advance to accommodate childcare needs.
Jessica: Both a shared Google calendar and letting my partner know beforehand.
Madeline: My nesting partner shares his Google calendar with me, and I take pictures of my planner daily for him. For newer partners or sleepovers outside the usual planned rotation, we also let one another know that morning.
How do you decide where to stay for sleepovers, and what, if any, relevant challenges have you faced?
Rishaw: Mine and my spouse's home is the destination for sleepovers because our casual partner lives with family and doesn't get enough privacy. Changing plans and/or canceling at the last minute can be especially tough when it affects multiple partners. This results in pressure to not cancel.
Shane: Convenience and privacy are the main deciding factors. In my house, my two partners and I all have separate bedrooms, so it’s often easiest to bring our other partners home. But if my other partner (who doesn’t live here) had his house to himself for the weekend, then it might make sense to stay there instead. The main challenge is space. It’s not like we have a huge house, so once we start bringing additional people in, it feels a little crowded—especially if more than one of us has an additional partner over the same weekend. The week before Christmas, everyone in the house had an extra person staying over, and we were all bumping into each other. Honestly, though, it’s not super different than any other large family dynamic.
Fern: Sleepovers are infrequent because my kids are young, but they happen wherever there will be the most privacy and opportunity for quality time—this can be my house if my family is away, theirs if roommates and other partners are okay with it, or a third location, like a friend’s house or a rental.
Jessica: The only factor included in deciding where to stay overnight is parenthood. Our kids are young (four and seven) and have complex emotional and medical needs, so leaving the other one to be a solo parent is a load to bear that we try to be very conscious of.
Madeline: I don't do sleepovers often because I sleep best alone! But when I do them, it's usually to avoid driving late at night, and where we stay is mostly a matter of convenience.
Have you ever heard your partner have sex in another room? How do you feel about that?
Rishaw: It can be pretty hot, in a voyeuristic way.
Shane: In the beginning, it was tough. If they were making noises that they don’t make with me, I might get in my head about why that might be and if they liked what their other partner was doing better than what I do. Sometimes, if they’re with a person I also find attractive, I feel left out and wish I could join in. But now I’ve gotten to a better place emotionally, and honestly? Most of the time, I find it pretty hot. I’ve definitely masturbated to it more than once.
Fern: I never have! My nesting partner and I date parallel (meaning we have multiple romantic partners who never interact, just like two parallel lines that never intersect).
Jessica: It can be sexy or neutral or annoying depending on the partner, my mood, and where I'm at in my period cycle.
Madeline: It's not for me. That is why noise-cancelling headphones and separate bedrooms are my two highest recommendations for people wanting to do nested polyamory.
How do you and your partners address feelings of jealousy?
Rishaw: We talk about it, but sometimes it takes a few days to pick a time for an effective conversation. But that cooldown period helps everyone stay rational and not act out emotionally.
Shane: Typically, we’ll sit on it for a day or two to make sure it’s actual jealousy and that we’re not, say, hungry, tired, or irritable for some other reason. Then we approach the partner, communicate that, and ask for reassurance.
Fern: I try to work through these feelings on my own or with friends until I can come to my partner with a request for something actionable. Sometimes, I’ll ask for reassurance or quality time together.
Jessica: First, I request a vulnerable conversation. Then, I share the difficult feeling that's coming up while taking responsibility for it/not casting blame. Third, I see if I can derive a "need" from the jealousy and turn it into a request. Lastly, my partner considers the request, and whether or not they are both able and willing to say yes. If not, we’ll brainstorm and collaborate on another solution until we both feel good and neither person feels like they’re "settling."
Madeline: I tend to talk to neutral parties—like a friend or therapist—about it and do some work on where the jealousy is coming from and what it's trying to tell me. Usually, I can figure out that it's a deeper want or need that needs to be addressed.
Can you share a specific instance where jealousy came up and how it was resolved?
Rishaw: Holidays can be tough when they highlight the disparity between partners' feelings for each other. Nobody likes feeling like they matter less or feeling jealous when other partners get more time/attention/gifts than they did. Talking it through helps, but so does accepting that we aren't entitled to other's time, energy, and resources.
Shane: My long-term partner started spending more time with another partner. I liked my metamour (my partner’s other partner), but the more time he devoted to nurturing that connection in its infancy, the less present he was in ours, and it had been a while since I’d felt less of his presence. My jealousy made me feel scared and sad about that. I communicated it to him and we devised some practices to make that jealousy feel more manageable. I don’t often feel jealous, but when I do, I ask it questions to help me figure out why it came to visit. Usually, it indicates an unmet need or something else I was unaware of.
Fern: Recently my partner of one year could only see me for a midday quickie because their schedule was full of other plans. I felt left out and told them I needed reassurance. We made plans to reconnect and set a more regular schedule for one-on-one time.
Jessica: My husband used to change my bike tires for me when they went flat, but eventually was like, "Hey, you need to start doing this yourself." Then, he met a girl and developed a crush on her. When she got a flat tire on her bike, it felt like suddenly he was Mr. Let Me Fix That For You. I pointed out that I was feeling jealous, and he humbly said, "Totally, my bad," and I haven't changed a flat tire since.
Madeline: During lockdown, I didn’t have other regular partners. My nesting partner did have one partner in our bubble and added in another who got vaccinated early, whereas he was my only physical partner for months. I was jealous of his other connections. We handled it by acknowledging my complicated feelings and adding someone I’d been dating to our bubble.
What agreements or boundaries have you established to make your relationships work?
Rishaw: A big one is establishing a boundary so as not to share private medical info between partners without express permission. Asking each other if we can relay something, and not gossiping or sharing nudes uninvited, etc.
Shane: The agreement to discuss and be open about what affects one that can affect the other or the family is foundational.
Fern: Safe sex practices, like barriers when a lot of hookups are happening and regular STI testing. Consent is required to share information between relationships; they are each important and require their own space.
Jessica: We agree that we’ll use condoms for all penetrative sex with new partners until testing has happened. We have agreed we don't want any more babies and have all been sterilized. We agree that we’re all Whole Ass People trying to live the best life, and we support each other's pursuit of all happiness.
Madeline: My partners and I make agreements about sexual risk factors and disclosure. My nesting partner and I have agreements surrounding disclosure when someone will be in the house—whether a friend, partner, or relative—and if we plan to use common areas like the living room and kitchen. We also have whiteboards on our doors that we update if we’re in or out and open to company or not.
In what ways do you think polyamorous living has enriched your life compared to monogamous relationships?
Rishaw: It takes a lot of pressure off when we don't have to be someone's everything. Sexual chemistry is better when high-libido partners can couple (and have sex) frequently and lessen demands and expectations on their low-libido partners. It alleviates a lot of hurt feelings when we can share some interests or activities with partners who really enjoy them, too, instead of feeling like we're pulling teeth to get those needs met from a disinterested partner.
Shane: I’ve learned not to define myself by a partner and not to revolve my entire life around one person, which was a mistake I’d made in my (monogamous) marriage. When I look back on my monogamous relationships, they were pretty codependent. I’m a lot more independent now. When I lean on a partner for support, spend large amounts of time with them, or plan activities with them, it’s intentional instead of being a default state.
Fern: My community is so loving and expansive. Being poly and being queer are very closely tied for me. My nesting partner is a sperm donor for two queer families we’ve known for nearly two decades, and our kids are being raised as cousins. My partners become friends with my friends, and the love just multiplies. My friendships are also deeply intimate and romantic (although not sexual) because I don’t put them below my partnerships. I have so much freedom and autonomy and my life is so full!
Jessica: We’ve created an environment where all people are empowered to advocate for their needs, and for the most part, we meet them most of the time. We are each other's best friends and best-hype people.
Madeline: I have learned so much about myself and my values. I’ve learned I’m capable of loving and being loved by many, and I feel freer to be my authentic, queer, slutty self.
*Name has been changed.
